HOW DO YOU READ A SESAMEROT?
Hello, grand howdy to you and your sesamoot. If you’ve read this far, you have either chosen to learn the sacred art of sesamancy, or that choice was somehow made for you. Either way, you are here to learn how I do it, if it’s a legit thing that can be done, and if you, the hero of this story we call life, can learn to do it too.
The answers, by the way, are “chaos, yes, and probably”.
Sesawhatthefu…
OK so you’re probably just here to find out what it is I’m really doing when I read the sesamerot on Tiktok. So there’s a lot of things I’m doing, mentally and spiritually, when I read the sesamerot. I’ve combined all of those things into a practice called sesamancy.
Sesamancy is the art of repurposing utter nonsense for chaos-based divination. It’s named after the sesamerot, which is the first item ever created for it; a deck of children’s flash cards purchased frivolously from a thrift store. It blew up on the Tiktok social media app for a bit, and has since enjoyed a fervent fan base and spawned many new improvised divination tools. Practitioners of this craft are called sesamancers.
CAN I BECOME A SESAMANCER?
Like I said, probably. It’s not that hard, really, all you have to do is be Entertainable.
To be trusted and gifted with the powers and responsibilities of sesamancy, you must first be Entertained to the point of joining a sesamoot. A sesamoot is an official chapter of the Sesamancer’s Guild. By joining, you agree to the Sesamancer’s Oath:
“I, [your name], agree that I shall use sesamancy for entertainment purposes only, that I will abide by all bylaws of the Sesamancer’s Guild, I will always walk the path of The Six E’s in my practice, and I shall use my Silly Voice For Entertainment Purposes Only. As I sesa-will, so sesa-mote it be. Thank you and goodbye.”
Why does the Oath end in “goodbye”?
The Guild bylaws were hastily written and, due to an unnoticed typo, have a mandatory membership cap of 0. So, long story short, there’s nobody there to accept your application, and there’s no room for new members.
The only way to join a sesamoot is to form a new sesamoot according to a loophole in the bylaws, which lets you form your own Sesamancer’s Guild chapter so long as it follows all the bylaws of the original.
So, what you do is, you form a new sesamoot with yourself as the leader, and then you will get immediately expelled in accordance with those immutable bylaws. You are now a former member of a sesamoot, but the important thing is, you joined a sesamoot, so you’re a sesamancer, congratulations! Grand-howdy to you and your sesamoot.
Oh, and if you’re quick enough, you can even sneak in a vote to give yourself whatever official title you want. I, for example, am the ultra-pope of my sesamoot.
What if my sesamoot ignores that rule?
Well, then you’ve already broken your Oath, and have no business calling yourself a sesamancer. Don’t expect a grand-howdy from me on that one, Oathbreaker.
So what are The Six E’s?
Sesamancy is not just about the tools, it is also a philosophy of ethics and conduct. To perform this craft, Sesamancers have to understand the principles of Equity, Empathy, Entertainment, and Everything Else, a principle known as The Six E’s.
I count only 4 E’s… Wait, does “else” count? that’s still only 5 E’s.
We’re both wrong, there’s 9 of them. 10 if you count the invisible one, but technically it’s number is zero.
THIS… IS NONSENSE.
By design, yes. Sesamancy is an art of chaos, embraced with the principles of playfulness, optimism, whimsy, and yes, nonsense.
Key to the principle of Entertainment is the sesamancer’s need for self-entertainment. The sesamancer is tasked with finding not only a path towards the truth, but it’s most sunny path. Naturally you might ask, “how can that be possible if the whole of existence contains pain as well as pleasure?”
Precisely. Taken as a whole, the life experience is light and dark, feast and famine, order and chaos. To isolate an entire half of all that is, well… that would be complete nonsense, yes?
Yes!
See, sesamancy operates on the philosophy that the divination arts - and in fact every art, craft, and passion - can speak in many voices; the sesamancer chooses to speak with the Silly Voice. So, if you’re looking for bleak, poe-faced answers to desperate questions, and predictions of trauma, death, & ruin, then sesamancy isn’t gonna be very helpful there.
OK so can we get to the part where you tell us how to read a sesamerot?
Oh. That.
Soon.
